Mom Confession: My Kid’s Attitude is My Fault

A couple weeks ago, I noticed a certain sass in one of my kids. I told my husband about the situation and how I was worried about the attitude. He politely and calmly said, “Honey, I don’t think that’s sass. I think it’s tone. It sounds like you.”

I wanted to go ballistic. Crazy wife mode was imminent!

Thankfully, I’ve learned to control what I say on this journey and did not respond with the first influx of feelings. I refrained. I was ticked off, though. Defensive in my head. I felt like he had no idea how much I was juggling. I actually thought, “Even if I have tone, cut me some slack!”

A couple days later, I was still internally struggling with that conversation. TBH, reeling. Anger building in my head that would explode, if left unchecked.

I had to stop the unhealthy cycle. It was time to pause and pray. I said something like this, “God, please show me the tone, if I actually have it.”

(Don’t you love the “if I actually have it” line I added to that prayer? So humanlike. So me.)

After that prayer, it was like my blinders were taken off. I could see myself clearly, and it hurt. There were multiple times when I was talking to my children, and I witnessed the unflattering tone he had been referring to. It wasn’t yelling. It wasn’t anger. It was condescending and downright rude.

Oh, it hurts to write that. Deeply.

One day, I asked my son to roll down the window when we were parked in the driveway so I could give him something. He opened the door (and nearly hit me in the gut at the same time). I didn’t yell, but I responded with the tone. I didn’t call him stupid, but my tone implied it. I saw the hurt in his eyes.

Hours later, I apologized to my son.

There have been more instances with both my teen daughter and my husband. I’ll spare you the details, but it became very apparent to me — I have a problem with tone. And, I’m passing it onto my children.

I became emotional telling my husband that God had clearly shown me a fault I needed to fix. Fighting back the tears, I said, “I can’t believe you’ve had to live with this for twenty years, and you’ve never pointed it out to me.”

He said, “You’re worth it. Besides, I’m working on my own faults.”

Was that it? A recognition of a fault and then I fixed it? I wish it were that simple.

I’m still struggling with tone. It is so difficult to break a habit that you didn’t even realize you had. It’s THAT engrained in my personality.

Can we just stop right here?

Old Me would’ve swept this under the rug and chalked it up to “It’s just who I am.”

New Me can’t because I know the stakes are too high.

You see, if I don’t change this flaw, it creates walls in my relationships.

I want my kids to tell me everything they’re seeing and hearing in their online worlds. No time in history is the relationship between parent and child so important. Remember when I wrote in my book, “God showed me that if I wanted my whole family dynamic to change, it was going to require me to look in the mirror.”

This is yet another example of what that looks like. It stings.

I need to be able to identify my flaws and fix them. Or else, I pass them onto my kids.

Flaws can be little things or HUGE things — bad spending habits, tone, addiction, cussing, unhealthy relationships, RACISM. What bad things are you passing onto your kids?

This. is. important.

We must be able to recognize cycles or patterns we’ve picked up that need to change. Many of us (me!) don’t want to change because it requires hard work.

You may not want to do the hard work for yourself. I’m asking you do it for your kids.

One evening during dinner, I told my kids that I recognized my condescending tone. I was vulnerable. Open and honest. They knew it truly bothered me. I let them in on my struggle, and I asked them to hold me accountable.

Guess what happened? My kids followed my lead and recognized things they needed to work on too! Do you see how this works?

Kids model us. They watch. They listen. They repeat. Even the flaws.

Since then, it’s been tough. I cringe when my kids point out the tone. I’m thankful for my husband. The other day, I had to put on my disciplinarian face because my kids weren’t doing what I asked (we are all ready for school to start). I didn’t yell, but I had to be stern. My husband later told me, “You disciplined without tone. That was perfect!”

And I completely recognized the difference.

So my challenge to you is: what are you passing down to your kids that you don’t want to? Now’s the time to face it and put in the hard work. Your kids are worth it. And always know, I’m facing my own things right along with you. In it, together.

 

Book is now available!

I haven’t written a blog post since Feb 2016 because I was busy writing a book!

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I wanted to quit often. There were tears. I talked myself out of it more times than I can count.

I wrote for about seven months. My goal was 50,000 words, but I ended around 77,000. When the draft was finished in August, I thought it was done. This newbie author was so naïve. Little did I know that my editor, who has been in the publishing industry for more than 30 years, was going to challenge me at every turn. Can I tell you a secret? Editors are behind-the-scenes heroes in the publishing world. Heroes. She questioned every cite, quote, statement and word. She was patient with me and all my comma splices. I’m so grateful for her and the entire publishing team. After another five months of editing and proofreading, it is finally ready!!

So, what is this book about? I’ve been on a crazy journey. It started four years ago. I’m continuing to learn, but I write in real-time about what I’m discovering because it’s so critically important.

Parenting has undergone a seismic shift, forcing us to address issues that previous generations of parents never encountered. No matter when you decide to give your child a phone (and that is entirely your choice), we all must recognize that online exposure has changed the entire landscape of parenting. If your kids don’t have their own devices, they interact with kids who do. My daughter, who did not have her own phone at the time, was given details about a pornographic video when she was nine years old. Yep, fourth grade. We must face this new reality of cyberparenting.

book-release-meme-3

In part 1 of the book, we dive into the emotional roller-coaster ride of my own cyberparenting journey. In my search for answers, I made so many mistakes. I felt like a failure. But that search led to a deeper walk with God and an amazing discovery that transformed my approach to parenting.

I recognized that monitoring and restrictions are great tools, but they’re not THE answer. Open communication is the secret weapon. It isn’t about family meetings or formal discussions; it’s about creating a healthy, ongoing dialogue between you and your child. It’s a practical, proactive, on-the-go approach to parenting. Amazing things happen when parents and kids begin to talk.

Open communication isn’t as simple as it may sound. It’s a complicated process that requires time and hard work. In part 2, I unpack four key steps that will help you pave the path for open communication in your family. This section is all about grit and facing it. God showed me that He wasn’t going to change my whole family dynamic without requiring me to look in the mirror first. Ouch!

In part 3, we address some of the most difficult topics parents encounter today, and I share how I handle them with my own children. I also offer some ideas for conversation starters and taking things deeper after the discussion gets going. I created this section as a topic list for easy access so that when you’re dealing with a specific issue and need a refresher, you can quickly flip to that chapter. Here are some of the questions we’ll be addressing:

  • When should my tween get a phone?
  • How and when should I warn my child about pornography?
  • How am I going to monitor social media?
  • How and when should I talk about sex with my tween?
  • How do I respond to questions about homosexuality, bisexuality and transgender?
  • How do I address mass shootings and terrorism?
  • What do I say about addiction? Do I have to worry about screen addiction?
  • How do I start the conversation about cyberbullying and suicide?
  • How in the world do I talk about all these difficult topics without causing confusion and fear?

No topic is off limits.

The whole idea of the book is to bring awareness to the new challenges of cyberparenting and create more open communication in families. I’m not an expert telling you how to parent. YOU are the expert on your child. I’m a mom, in the daily trenches, trying to figure out how to address complicated issues at earlier ages because of online exposure. In reality, I’m just trying to answer my kids’ questions over here!

In regard to how I address specific topics in our own family, I do write from a Biblical perspective because that’s how we parent. BUT, please hear me on this: I state throughout the book that it’s your family, your choice.

We may come from different faith backgrounds. That’s okay. We can model mutual respect, even when we disagree. We need everyone, regardless of their beliefs, to be engaged in this conversation and aware of the shift that’s taken place in parenting this generation.

Can you tell we have a lot to talk about?

You can order the book here:  TALK: A Practical Approach to Cyberparenting and Open Communication