Category Archives: Miscellaneous

Nagging vs. Communication

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I love to be organized. Give me a binder with color-coded tabs and I can organize like nobody’s business. I make lists for everything. Early in our marriage, I made “honey-do” lists for my husband. I thought he would appreciate that I could “help” him get organized.

Here’s what actually happened: He couldn’t complete the items fast enough for my standards. I would get annoyed. He would get irritated and felt controlled. A fight would erupt.

I haven’t written a list for my husband in over ten years. And, guess what, we’re still pretty organized! Even if we weren’t … my marriage is far more important. We communicate now, I demand less. I can honestly tell you, if I had continued down my path of “honey-do” lists, I don’t know where we would be. I know it would’ve driven a wedge between us.

I’m not saying “honey-do” lists are bad for every marriage. If it works for you, that’s great! But, is there something else that may be causing division? Are you constantly finding faults in your spouse? Do you talk or listen more? Are you tearing him down or building him up?

Nag. Oh, I despise that word. We never use it, Matt knows it rubs me the wrong way. I prefer “strong-willed” or “persistent” – those sound so much more acceptable. The definition of nag is even less appealing: “to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands.” The Bible also weighs in on this topic in Proverbs 27:15:

A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; You can’t turn it off, and you can’t get away from it.

Ouch! Can you imagine how a spouse feels when they are constantly being nagged? You don’t make enough money. You don’t do this right. You don’t _____.  The spouse starts feeling trapped in an annoying marriage, the Bible says, “you can’t get away from it.”

Nagging is one-way, but communication is a two-way conversation. Before, my approach was to make a list without his input. I expected a fast response, it was all about me. I was a nag.

Now, we communicate. I say, “There are a few things I need to ask of you, whenever you have time.” When he is ready, we discuss. I seek his input and advice. He is my partner, not a robot burdened with my controlling demands and high standards. We finally have no more leaky faucets!

Build up your spouse. Encourage him. Seek his advice. Respect him. Communicate with each other. Enjoy the peace and quiet of no more nagging!

Help, I need a new attitude!

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Several years ago, I sat in a Mothers of Preschoolers[1] meeting and the guest speaker asked us to write down our favorite childhood memory. My mind flooded with silent giggles as I recalled mixing water and dirt, then filling the aluminum pans. I would create a make-believe oven from bricks and bake the brown, gooey pie. Finally, the most exciting part of all … when the mud-pies were finished “baking,” I would throw them at the largest oak tree in my grandma’s backyard. This simple activity has become etched in my mind as my all-time favorite childhood memory.

The speaker challenged us to put that piece of paper in a visible location as a reminder each day about taking time to enjoy those small precious moments with our children. So, I put the small leaf-sized paper on my fridge and saw it every day. It helped, and I remembered.

{Leaf with the Life Lesson}

{Leaf with the Life Lesson}

 

Years after hearing that speaker, I was having one of those extra-chaotic days. The to-do list was overwhelming – there wasn’t a clean towel in the house, lots of unanswered emails in my in-box, bills to pay, class party to plan – my plate was full. I was overwhelmed, grouchy and found myself lacking patience. That was it, I give up! I slammed the fridge shut and then I saw the leaf with the life lesson.

My children and I went into our backyard and made mud-pies! We used the back of my son’s monster truck as our oven, then threw our messy creations at the fence. We giggled. We had fun. We made precious memories! Their enthusiasm and energy were contagious. I relished in their smiles and the muddy handprints on my clothes. I became appreciative again.

After our adventure, I had a whole new perspective and was blessed with the attitude adjustment I needed. After that boost, I knocked out the to-do list and finished the laundry. Then, I sat down with my daughter as she wrote in her take-home journal about her favorite weekend activity. It had been busy – a few hours at Six Flags, seeing friends at church, a good friend’s birthday party, those were my suggestions. She sweetly said, “Mom, the most fun I had this weekend was making mud-pies with you.”

{Daugher's Journal Entry}

{Daugher’s Journal Entry}

 

Life is busy. Motherhood is crazy and unscripted. No matter what is going on, take a moment and simply enjoy your children. Laugh and have fun. Record the memories on your heart. Your children will treasure it, and you will gain a fresh, new perspective.

Psalm 127:3 says, “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.”

[1] MOPS is an international organization for mothers who have children ranging in ages from birth – kindergarten.  If you are interested in finding a MOPS group in your area, please go to www.mops.org.

Am I too busy?

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It had been a stressful day. Up at six o’clock, pack lunches and take my oldest to school. Rush back to the house to prepare for a leadership meeting at church (which lasted more than three hours). Grab lunch, then to the grocery to pick-up items for a school party. Organize the party and pick-up my daughter. Home for dinner and finish her school project, then back to church for kids’ activities. During it all, I’m also juggling my part-time job, fielding phone calls and trying to spend “quality time” with my youngest son.

 

When we finally got home, I said to my husband, “I’ve had a bad day. I’m going to bed.” No sincere interest about him or his day, just … all about me.

All the “busyness” I had created in my life was good. I mean, we were at church for over five hours, right? And, I was volunteering at my daughter’s school. In all my chaos, though, I didn’t have time for the ones I love most – Jesus and my family.

That was two years ago. I fulfilled all my commitments to the best of my ability, but I made a promise to myself – never again would I become so busy that I didn’t have time for those who mattered most. And, yet, here I am again. Beginning of a new school year and I’m planning to sign-up for everything. I had to remember my promise.

I’m not saying volunteering is bad. Absolutely not! I used to recruit volunteers so I know how important they are. But, everything is a balance. I would rather be an effective, committed volunteer versus the chaotic, frazzled woman I was a few years ago. I don’t want to be so busy that I miss Jesus throughout my day. I’m asking myself, where does God want to use me? That will be the best use of my time.

In the Bible, we learn about two sisters preparing for Jesus’ visit. Martha was running around, preparing dinner and was busy trying to make everything perfect. Her sister, Mary, was not helping. She was sitting at Jesus’ feet listening to Him.

I will admit, by nature, I am definitely like Martha. Could you tell from the crazy introduction? I thrive on busyness, I love feeling “productive”. And, when my husband or others don’t help, I get irritated. Well, so did Martha.

In Luke 10:40, Martha says, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” It’s all about Martha just like my busyness is … all about me.

Jesus replied, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Make time for Jesus. He will show you how to spend your time, He will prioritize your life. God will direct your path.