Category Archives: Parenting (7+)

The Parenting Mistake I Wish I Could Redo

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18

The preschool years were tough. Every day was SO lonnnnnggggg. No time for showers, no sleep at night. That depression diagnosis sent me down a deep, dark hole I didn’t think I’d ever escape.

So, when my oldest started school, I could breathe … a little. They were bathing themselves, brushing their own teeth (greatest gift EVER) and I was thinking … Aaaahhh, I survived. I actually started painting my toenails again.

Then, I got lazy. Or, I just didn’t know what to do next.

Fourth grade hit. Questions, asked in innocence, about sex, drugs and bad words started flying. I even had to Google some of them (ex. Meow Meow drug she learned about at recess).

I knew I had missed something as a mom. The tween years hit, and I wasn’t prepared. It’s the parenting mistake I wish I could redo.

Most people define the tween group around ages 8-12. Here are four things I wish I had done differently:

When my child was between the ages of 5-7, I would’ve read these books by Dannah Gresh:

“Six Ways to Keep the ‘Little’ in your Girl” and “Six Ways to Keep the ‘Good’ in your Boy”

I would’ve created more open communication.

I would’ve set a precedent in my family that it’s a safe place for any topic of discussion, especially starting in kindergarten. Talk about everything with no embarrassment. Now, we have a set time at dinner for our conversations. It has become routine. No technology. TV is off. Here are some starter questions:

  • Did you hear any new words that you don’t know the meaning of?
    (*Don’t freak out if you get the F-bomb. Calmly explain what it means and that it’s a word we don’t use.)
  • What made you happy, sad, excited or scared today?
  • Was there any drama?
  • Who got in trouble?

Nothing is off-limits. Here’s our only rule: what is SAID at the dinner table, STAYS at the dinner table.
image13I would’ve set technology standards before the tween years.

I would’ve set parental controls when they started using technology. That way, it’s common practice to need a password for sites. Apple products offer great parental restrictions. Go to Settings/General/Restrictions, “Enable Restrictions” — you can set your music to clean (instead of explicit), PG for movies, etc.

For social media, I would’ve specified the rules before she asked. Most social media sites are prohibited for kids under 13, but most of them do not ask for a birthdate when opening an account.

I would’ve built a bigger support group of other tween parents.

There are many times I’ve felt like I’m the only mom saying “no.” It helps to know I’m not alone. Build a community of moms you trust. Have a mentor with grown children (who turned out great) and call them for advice.

I’ve started a group called “MomTalk” in San Antonio. We also have a closed Facebook group (so you don’t have to be in my town to be involved). Comment below with your email address for additional information.

 **This has been approved by my tween. I don’t share anything about her without her permission.

Now, it’s your turn. What else would you recommend to prepare for the tween years?

Open Communication with Kids

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10

I remember those long days. Sanitizing bottles. Changing diapers. Mastitis. NO SLEEP. Depression diagnosis.

That stage was brutal.

Now, my kids are in elementary school; I have different challenges as a mom. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is:

There is this small window between kindergarten and middle school where our kids still think we’re cool. They value our opinion. They listen. They emulate us. And, they’re learning to function in the world.

These years give us an opportunity to lay the foundation for open communication with our kids.

If it’s common practice for our kids to talk with us in elementary school, it will be their gut reaction to seek our opinion when they’re older.

So, we have to be available at any moment for any question.

Here are some of the most important conversations we’ve covered:

  • “Not everything you hear is true.”
    My concern was misinformation from other children. We tell our kids if they hear new words and don’t know the meaning, ask us. We promise to be honest. On a side note, when you hear them say that cuss word or ask that sex question, don’t freak out! Be their safe place to ask anything, without embarrassment or shame. They’re looking for a calm explanation.
  • “Do not search the Internet for answers.”
    It’s a good thing my daughter has not googled some of the things she’s asked because the pictures would be traumatic. We have a rule in our house that a parent has to be in the room when googling. God tells us to guard our minds, and we want to keep out negative images. “More than anything you guard, protect your mind, for life flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23, CEB)
  • “The Bible is our moral compass to determine right and wrong.”
    My daughter came home from school one day and immediately looked up “lying” in the Bible. One of her friends asked her to lie about a secret. My daughter wanted to know what God said about it. Another way to communicate this — the popular choice may not always be the right choice. What does God say?
  • “Respect Everyone.”
    I love that my kids are learning about different religions, theologies, etc. because I think it’s important for them to understand what and why we believe. They are discovering differences in opinion. Equally important in this conversation, we are to “respect everyone” as instructed in 1 Peter 2:17.
  • “Sex is a gift to enjoy when you’re married.”
    As for talking specifically about sex, it’s an ongoing discussion. I write about it here: Talking to my Kids about Sex

What other conversations would you include?

 

Secrets

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As we sat around the dinner table, my six-year-old son said, “I was happy to get a spirit stick for good behavior. I was sad it rained. I was excited for Daddy to get home. And, nothing really scared me.”

Then, my husband and I shared our “happy, sad, excited, scared” moments.

When it was my nine-year-old daughter’s turn, she said, “I’m happy we’re together for dinner.”

“You don’t have an excited, scared or sad moment from school?”

“No,” she replied, “just another day.”

Silence.

We started our “happy, sad, excited, scared” tradition when my oldest daughter began kindergarten. We thought it would be a good way to improve our communication and find out specific details about her day.

We’ve always had open communication in our family. Several months ago, we began talking about sex. It’s an ongoing conversation. (Many readers listed great resources in the comment section, and I write about the book that really helped me). Here’s the link, if you’re interested: Talking to my Kids about Sex

Lately, though, I sense my daughter holding back.

Image courtesy of Kittikun Atsawintarangkul / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Kittikun Atsawintarangkul / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I feel like there is a real battle. The world is telling her it’s okay to keep “little” secrets from me. You know, the fun kind. The world is telling her — it’s not cool to tell your parents … everything.

I recently watched a cute, family-friendly show with my kids about a talking dog. The whole show was about keeping the secret from their parents. They were hiding a video the dog had made, then remaking a fake video to cover up the truth. It was funny, and we laughed. Afterwards, though, I thought about the life lesson, and I cringed inside.

I know on the surface, it seems harmless. But, we’re telling our kids it’s okay to keep “little” secrets from us.

I want to know everything. The top secrets and the small stuff, it’s all important to me.

If she’s not talking to me now, how will I ever know who was drinking at that party? Or, what drugs she’s been offered? Or, if she’s being bullied?

If I don’t build the foundation now for open communication, it will be lost.

But, I didn’t quite know how to create this openness. So, I prayed.

Then, I remembered some simple advice I received from a mentor many years ago … To get your kids to open up, talk to them at bedtime.

So, I tried it. I crawled in bed with her, we said our nightly prayer, and then I started asking questions.

JACKPOT!!!! I found out more in five minutes than I had gotten in a month! Who had crushes, who was arguing, which boys were cute and who was being mean.

Whatever your child tells you, always remember, “You must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” James 1:19

They need you to listen to their secrets. Be their safe place.

So, Moms, how do you get your kids to open up and share their secrets?